Associated Press: 'Royal gay couple to tie the knot in California'

As county clerks across California scrambled to dish out marriage licenses to a parade of prancing homos across the state, shocking news surfaced of the announcement from Dublin Palace of the engagement of the Irish Queen to the Duchess of Atwater Village. "I always suspected that they were cocksuckers" said an anonymous source close to the family of the bride-to-be "or my name isn't Paula White".

The couple are rumored to be holding their sodomite nuptuals at the Witham palace in the duchy of Silver Lake, a private estate frequented by the two queers where they have probably engaged regularly in fornication. When asked for a statement, the queen's lady-in-patiently-waiting, Mme. Macleod said "why the buggery bollocks would I give you a statement, you would only twist my words for your shitty rag of a newspaper anyway. Where's my Heineken.....?"

The pope was not amused at the palace announcement and immediately rhetorted "they are now a greater threat than Iran. God will surely punish them for their acts as if it wasn't bad enough that we have to listen to Barbara fucking Striesand...."

Excited at the pending lavish and extravagant party to be thrown to celebrate the threat to our nation's stability, Countess Romero of Echo-le-Parc told the Beverly Hills press "Ooh la la, mon Dieu, c'est tres bon n' est-ce-pas?" She was then rumored to have spent $10 million on a shopping spree for a new handbag and shoes for the event.

Princess Stephanie Lamoree was more pragmatic in her response indicating that "her highness queen White is definitely Party A and HRH Crakow is Party B. If anyone disagrees with me they are wrong I am right."

A study issued last week by some stupid idiots who conduct ridiculous surveys that are only completed by bored housewives indicated that 1% of respondents oppose not outlawing not-marriage to not-gay people. The remaining 99% did not believe in surveys. A measure is now on the ballot for November to require all gay couples who are getting married to buy everyone else a drink for having to smile while watching the happy pansies sashay their faggot asses while clicking their fingers to some Liza Minelli song and talk about their happiness blah...blah...blah...

P.S. Congratulations Carl & Miles!

Every New Year I am faced with the issue of how to improve on my near angelic nature with a resolution to do better. Some people (let's just call them 'everyone' for ease) would have me believe that I am not the most tolerant or patient of people as I have a sense of distrust in others (let's just call them fools) and a slight intellectual snobbery. So, with that in mind, I thought that I would renew my 'Be Nice' resolution and mark my first act of kindness by extolling the good qualities of some of my close friends. Here they are in alphabetical order:

Barbara

Barbara has a precious sweet innocence that is almost impossible to find these days and a smile and laugh that lights up everything around her. She has that je-ne-sais-crois and joie-de-vivre that draws people towards her in a crowd even if it is just someone who wants to sleep with her for the night. She knows how to have a good time and will be the last one on the dance floor before the lights go down (or off). She also hides under a bushel that fact that she is very intelligent and can speak her mind (even if just to tell you 'jealous'). She also has great hair.

Brian

Brian is as sexy as they come. He turns heads everywhere he goes and displays that aura of confidence and manliness that makes the guys at the Eagle and Faultline salivate. He is generous to a fault and always wants to show his generosity without expecting anything in return. He is the most even-tempered person I know and shows exceptional patience in dealing with others (when any reasonable person would have flown off the handle). He also has a very nice package.


Carl

Carl has the oldest soul on the planet. He was probably Adam and gave into Eve's offer of the apple because he has the biggest of hearts and always sees the good in everyone hoping that the bad things have gone away. His old spirit also sees things others do not and channels the celestial voices from his dreams into the beauty of his poetry. He has the sharpest of Irish wit and can draw laughter out of a rock, wanting the world to laugh and the everyone to be at peace. He also has an excellent confirmation name.

Miles

Miles is passionate about the world. He is the kind of friend that we all love to have deep conversation with over a couple of beers (or in his case martinis) and get fired-up and take no prisoners. He has a wicked bad-boy-next-door quality mixed with the loyalty of a border collie. Miles will also be the person who personally assassinates George Bush et al. in his quest to save the world from corruption and greed. He burns with the fire of a revolutionary and wants nothing more than for the meek to inherit the earth (and another martini). He also has a really dirty mind.

Steve

Steve is a hunk of a man whose exterior hides his bashful and playful interior. He welcomes everyone with open arms and does not judge others. He loves nothing more than a good laugh (or in his case, a giggle) with the company of clowns and to have a good ogle at the boys. His love of the divas of music and musicals is contrasted by his love of political thinking and his distrust of the big bad government. His good-humored banter is also beautifully riddled with British comedy references. And he has hairy chest.

So I am lucky to have some great people in my life that I count as friends. Edie Brickell in her song 'Circle' cynically said that everything is temporary, even friends. I don't believe that to be the case. I fully intend on being the cantankerous old biddy in the gay Palm Springs nursing home imbibing with all my good friends and driving everybody else around us crazy.

That's it for now. It's my busy season and I have a lot of stuff to do.....

The American justice system -
A scotsman saves the day

I received my punishment yesterday for becoming a U.S. citizen. The nice warm friendly summons by the Superior Court to serve as a juror in the criminal courts. My assistant Debbie's reaction was "aww, poor baby". She always gets out of jury service because she talks incessantly and gives you a headache which can be mistaken for intelligence. She said that I would probably be excused becaue my IQ is above the level of an orangutang (not sure if that was a compliment). Which leads me to believe that justice is not being served in this countries if amoebas and slightly more evolved organisms are deciding the fate of the innocent-until-proven guilty.

So given the above, maybe I will do my bit for society and bring a sense of scottish justice to the judicial system. Then I thought, what about my friends? How would they interact with their fellow jurors and reach a decision on someone's fate? This is probably how:


Carl would let everybody off. They were probably having a bad day. After that he would probably invite them over to Fuel for a few drinks and then ignore them.



Miles would find everyone guilty on all counts and if he had is way he would send them all to life imprisonment even if it was just a parking ticket. He would probably also be knocking-back Martinis in the juror room and pass out during deliberations.




Steve would always issue a verdict of "maybe". That is unless the accused shows any signs of possibly being connected to the republican conspiracy in which case he would demand that all the jurors votes be manually signed in triplicate and counted 50 times by independent third parties to ensure an accurate outcome.

For some reason I cannot post any more pictures on this blog (I'm sure Bush and Rumsfeld have something to do with it), so I'll spare the rest of my friends from the TRUTH, because you can't handle the truth.

God I'm bored. Goodbye.

American-born citizens are lazy

Is being an American something you are born with, or is it a lifestyle choice? People who are born American are just too plain lazy to find another nationality and prefer to stay that way because some great-great grandparent got off their ass to look for something better. As for those of us who chose to become Americans, our reasons are different, namely:

1) to get the passport (that's my one);
2) because they are proud to be an American (hmmm, we'll talk about that in a minute);
3) because they want to vote (me too), serve in the forces and sit on a jury (now that is just plain silly).

I read somewhere that something like 80% of Americans don't own a passport. This is because they are small-minded, ignorant and lazy. Going somewhere else would involve maybe, oh I dunno, speaking another language, eating new foods, dealing with things outside their own cosy neighborhood....

The people in category 2) who became citizens because they are 'proud to be American' are not lazy, they are stupid. Pride is the greatest sin of all. It draws borders and makes us behave as if we are tribally segregated from others and our tribe is better. As Albert Einstein once said: "Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind and, on my opinion, is nothing more than an idealistic rationalization for militarism and aggression."

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Electronic Voting: Steve is wrong

Some people (let's just call them Steve) would have us believe that these pesky electronic gadget thingies are going to be the ruin of this country since the Republican party will obviously control them and turn the state into a Matrix like world where a few corrupt despots will rule with the power of machine-code. Only paper can protect us from this apocolypse.

I thought that I would just summarize the success of paper as in keeping us secure:

1) personal checks - oh no, nobody could ever forge you signature. Well, someone stole my tax refund check two years ago and forged my endorsement as happens to thousands of refunds every year.

2) passports, green cards, birth certificates, naturalization certificates, drivers licenses etc. I can get any one of these in one day on Alavardo and Sixth Street. If you are scared of terrorists, I bet you every single one of them has got a forgery of one of the above.

3) doctor prescriptions - I'm sure my pharmacist is intimately familiar with my doctor's squiggle. His pad isn't exaclty something Miles could replicate in Microsoft Paint in a minute and Carl could sign to get his Vicadin and Cialis.

3) and C and D.. I could go on forever on this.

I now know why Steve is always busy and tired. He is going through every debit card transaction and ATM withdrawal every month with Miles and making sure that his paper printouts always agree to his bank statements. I imagine that he has been very successful at finding the bank's errors which would never have happened had they being using paper and pencils to write down everything and not those doomsday computing machines.

So electronic voting can never be trusted unless some poor sod redoes the computer's task of adding up all the printouts from its corrupt printer to make sure that its internal adding machine was not linked to Al Queda. I thought to prove the point I would forward the following extract from yesterday's LA Times and if you can't see the humor in it then you better start putting all your dollar bills under your matress in case a virus destroys your bank account:

Orange County supervisors Tuesday approved spending $12 million to retrofit 9,000 electronic voting machines to give voters printed displays of their ballot choices, an expense required by state law for the June election. Acting county Registrar Neal Kelley said the action came just in time and followed certification of the retrofitted equipment Friday by the secretary of state's office. A team of 60 will begin cutting holes in voting booths Monday to accommodate the new printers, which also must undergo several tests before being cleared for use."It'll be quite an operation," Kelley said.The county's next balloting, a special election April 11 to fill a vacant state Senate seat, will be conducted with paper ballots because the new equipment won't be ready.The retrofit became necessary after Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a law in 2004 requiring counties to have printers attached to their electronic voting devices for elections this year. The aim is to allow voters to review their choices and catch any errors before casting their ballots. The printouts also are to be used for official recounts.Voting-rights activists lobbied hard for the law, saying printed records provided better security against fraud and equipment malfunctions. Election officials statewide initially complained about the cost of adding the printers, which aren't eligible for reimbursement under a 2000 federal law requiring the phase-out of paper ballots nationwide.The state law requires counties to be eventually reimbursed for the cost of additional equipment, though counties had to pay for it up front.Some counties, including Los Angeles, plan to avoid the expense by continuing to use paper ballots and scanning them electronically.Kelley said he expected the state and federal governments to combine resources and reimburse counties for all costs of providing new voting systems.Printer retrofit systems have been approved for 20 of California's 58 counties, with another 20 awaiting federal review before the state can certify them, secretary of state spokeswoman Jennifer Kerns said Tuesday.The remaining counties have paper printout systems already in place or don't plan to use electronic voting.

"North Korea nukes USA." You think that would never happen? Well luckily president Geena Davis saved that from happening the other day. The common belief is that the peninsula does have nuclear weapons and that the country's dictatorship is so arrogant and pig-headed that it would not hestitate to use such things if it felt pissed-off on any given day. So when a U.S. spy submarine was stranded in the country's waters, the only way to rescue its crew and destroy its technology and avoid a war was to engage in deal making with China to assist in the rescue and ultimately offering to pay North Korea $500m and issue a formal apology.

Luckily, President Davis never listened to the commander of the armed forces, Cmdr. Steve Lamoree who suggested that we surround their country with ships and then make a preemptive strike on the country. Oh, I guess that would stop them from pressing their red button. Or to her chief strategist, Sen. Miles Smith (D-Atwater Village) who asked if we should attack since they had WMDs said "yeah, but no, but yeah, but no....". The speaker of the house, Sen. Barabara Romero had to make a deal to buy shoes from China in exchange for weapons to clinch the president's rescue operation. The White House press secretary, Mr. Carl White, tactfully kept the press at bay by reciting poems and reminding everone that there are good Koreans too.

Why oh why do we pay taxes? As Edina said, "why don't we just tax the stupid people?".

I don't think anyone would disagree with me when I say that the current system of taxation is a piece of garbage which nobody wants to fix because those who can fix it are too shit scared to overhaul it but instead like to fiddle while Rome burns. The fact that the government likes to play with silly rates in capital gains taxes when 80% of these taxes are paid by individuals earning under $100K a year is ludicrous.

My income is probably within the top 5% of U.S. taxpayers. I decided to look again at my taxes from last year and I paid an effective federal tax rate of a approximately 18% (because I have nice big deductions for mortgage interest and state and property taxes). Without my deductions I would be paying closer to 30% in federal taxes (over $320K the top tax rate is currenlty 35%). This is all because own a home and I pay state taxes. So I win. The guy renting a home in Texas pays the IRS almost twice as me.

So let's tax the stupid people instead. Let's tax on people's spending. I have noticed that I spend all of my disposable income on beer and cigarettes. So I would be taxed on all my earnings (except what I put away in my 401k), which is fine. The rich with their expensive homes and yachts would pay a fortune for their excesses and those stupid middle-class people who spend more than they can afford (on credit cards) would pay more taxes for being stupid and going into debt.

So why don't the government introduce a simple consumption tax and abandon the IRS as we know it? Because they pander to the idiot voters who think that somehow they will pay more and not get their nice deductions. They might want to take a leaf out of the small caribbean economies that have no income taxes, only consumption taxes, like the Caymans and the Bahamas and yet provide universal health care and education. The government should not be in the business of deciding which vested interests they should support- home ownership, dependents, charitable deductions etc. - and stop tweaking ridiculous tax rates which are nothing more than poltical maneuvering. Consumption taxes will also take away this gesturing tactic and force them to maybe, oh i dunno, limit spending, stop invading sovereign nations, reduce the deficit....But that's just my thoughts.